The Hats I Wear

Caring for the cats and cows.

I'm blessed to wear many different hats. Each day I get to wear multiple: being a wife, farmer, artist and photographer. There's probably more, but sometimes it's hard to pick a favorite. The first hat I chose when I was just a kid. I knew I wanted to wear the hat of being a farmer. I've loved everything about dairy farming, agriculture, animals, and the slow country life since I can remember. In fact, some of my first memories are being out on the farm with Dad or playing with my sisters out in the barn or fields.

Some of my favorite parts of farming are bringing the cows in to be milked when the sun's rising, watching calves get to pasture for the first time, and milking with anyone honestly! Milking with my husband is quite possibly one of my favorite things. Joking around with one another, and enjoying all the little moments with the cows is something I've dreamed of, and yet again, is another answered prayer. Milking with my Dad is always special because for me that's where it all began. The one who taught me everything I know out on the farm. Milking with my nieces and nephews is always an amazing reminder of how much fun milking can be. Whenever I have family or friends out on the farm, it's always my favorite to see the farm through a new set of eyes, experiences, and perspectives. Even though I do the same motions each day on the farm, when I have the kids with me or a visitor, it's like everything is new again.

I've always known this way of life was where God was calling me. I've reflected a lot on the past year and where my life has gone and how I spend my days. Everything has changed about my life the last few years, and that's because I met and devoted my life to Christ. I believe that you can't meet Jesus and not truly be changed. I grew up in the Catholic church, but never had a relationship with Jesus and slowly drifted from everything I was taught and (somewhat) believed. Slowly over the years I started coming back to my faith, and Jesus met me on October 30th, 2020 the morning of saying goodbye to my first baby. I let him back into my life, but wasn't the best listener or follower. I knew that in order to go where Christ was leading me, I would have to change every aspect of my life. It turned out that it wasn't just some parts of my life that would need to change, but every detail needed adjustment. It's hard to say goodbye to things that you've lived with for so long. We so easily become creatures of habit, and suddenly everything I knew was either gone, broken, lost, or needed to be changed. Where I lived, who I talked to, what I ate, how I spent time and money, and how I thought, all required something new from me. Maybe some of those things don't sound that challenging, but when they're all at once, you really learn how much you're relying on things and humans that will never give you the peace and confidence that Jesus can.

Reflecting on how different my life has been has also been a reminder of how amazing it's been. Maybe to some my life doesn't appear to be grand or anything special, but to me, I'm living in so many answered prayers each day. My home, truck, a husband who loves me, our pets, family and friends, my relationship with Christ, and all the hats I get to wear. I have been infinitely blessed! If the good Lord called me home tomorrow, I can say I've lived an amazing life!

Each morning I wake up and thank him for another day. Another day to breathe, care for the cats, love my husband, and milk the cows. My Grandpa Holland passed away in a farming accident a few months before my parents got married. I often think of him and my Dad, since I spend so much of my time working alongside my Dad and also just time at my parents house since my husband and I live just 8 minutes away. Another thing I think of often is how I live on the same road my Dad grew up on, and how the neighboring road is named after my Dad's side of the family. I feel so much of my family's presence every time I go down the road, or take Otto for a walk. I walk and drive the same roads my Grandpa used to, and I think that's pretty amazing. I know I've been placed exactly where God has called me. Wearing the same hat as my Grandpa and Dad, and many other family members, would make it pretty easy to say that my farmer hat is my favorite.

But is it my favorite hat?

I first met Marcus when I was just a kid, but our lives went separate ways for over a decade. He was a few years older than me, we didn't go to the same school, and even though we grew up just minutes apart, our paths didn't cross again until God knew it was right. When I opened my life to even just the idea of Marcus being in it, I felt like a complete basket case. I had just gone through a divorce and was slowly rebuilding my life. I felt I didn't have much to offer, and what I did have to offer felt a little broken. One of my favorite things about Marcus is his perspective on life. He never looked at me as damaged, broken, or that I came with too much baggage. I struggled not to view myself that way and make that my identity. But for a long time, I felt that the only thing people saw me as was a failure. There's a lot of shame that comes with the word divorce, and unfortunately I think it's a word that people are quick to judge you by without knowing any context. While in some ways I did fail at love, I know that everything that has happened in my life was exactly what God needed me to experience. I may have failed at love, but I have learned what love is.

I have learned the importance of keeping Jesus the center of our marriage (and my life). I've learned how important it is to pray together. Praying with your spouse really shows the intentions and desires of our hearts, and what could be more intimate than that?

Sunday mornings have become my favorite the past few years. I loved them when I was single and I would listen to worship music on my drive up to church. I love them even more now that I have my husband sitting next to me, and so much family surrounding us. It's hard not to say being a wife is my favorite hat to wear. Taking care of Marcus, our home, and our critters is one of the greatest honors I have. I've always enjoyed cooking and baking, and I've only felt that passion grow as Marcus has given me the time and opportunity to really dive into this for our family. I cook the majority of our meals from scratch, and I love it! If I get to spend a good portion of my day in the kitchen or anywhere in our home honestly, my heart is so full at the end of the day. I never knew how much of a homebody I was until recently. When I was younger, I always thought I would live somewhere further away for a while and then come back home. Honestly, living 30 minutes away was too far for me! I always felt like when I did come back around home that so much had changed. I love being so close to both our parents and so many family members. I added food/cooking as one of my love languages. I love being able to prepare food for my husband, our extended family, or making something for us to take to Bible study. It's a work of love and passion getting to make something for people to enjoy. I love making sure my husband has a good warm meal to come home to after a long day at the farm. Serving him in this way, and in many others, has brought me joy in ways I've never experienced. I haven't really experienced unconditional love until Marcus, and of course in my journey with Christ. I was so use to people expecting something in return or something more. I never felt I was enough, or that I was someone's first choice. Then I met Marcus and he made me feel as if I had the whole world in the palm of my hand to offer him, and more! Truthfully, after I went through my divorce I had moments where I thought my best days were behind me. I wasn't sure if I'd feel happiness again, or if I'd feel better. But I knew one thing, and that was that Jesus was there with me. I hadn't walked many paths with him alongside me. This time I knew something was different, even though I was sad, heart broken, and unsure of everything at the time. The only thing I was sure about was that Christ was in my life, and I wasn't turning back.

Sometimes I'm not sure why God blessed me with Marcus as my husband. He's kind, truly has the biggest heart, devoted, loyal, funny, authentic, and I think he's incredibly brave. I didn't feel deserving of him. When I was single, I vowed to myself that I wasn't going to date, talk, or entertain anything that wasn't going to lead to marriage. I had zero interest in anything that wasn't "perfect." I didn't want to date or be someone's girlfriend, I wanted to be someone's wife and be completely devoted to one person. I may never understand why God brought Marcus back into my life, but I am forever grateful. We dated for a year and two months, were engaged for just under four months, and had a Christmas wedding with our closest family and friends. It was the most incredible day! I learned the true meaning of, "when you know, you know." Marcus has been such an amazing husband, and partner to go through life with. He cares for me in ways I've never known, and is always leading us with Christ as our guide. Because of Marcus, and Christ's love, I've felt myself change and become more feminine. Considering I've been a tomboy all my life, it's been a whirlwind to find myself wanting to wear dresses and feel "girly," having painted nails as a farmer (which I think is also fun), to remain soft in harsh circumstances, enjoying housework, and seeing the changes they've made in the posture of my heart. If I'm able to reflect any light of Christ in my life, I owe a great deal to my husband and his love. It's easy to say this is my most honorable hat I get to wear.

The Runner Up

Being an artist was quite honestly tied with being a farmer when it came to me. My love for the cows and cats may have come first, but not long after I discovered my love for art. My Grandma Holland is quite the artist and has graciously gifted me with her talent, and many gifts that decorate my home. I began drawing cows, horses, and designing farm layouts in elementary school. I was known by my classmates and teachers as being good at drawing, and it's a skill I've loved practicing and later studied in college. I earned a bachelor's degree in art and marketing from UW-Whitewater. My favorite areas of study were drawing, painting, and metals and jewelry. I actually loved making jewelry, but wasn't able to study it more during school. The majority of my work consists of people, animals, or farm landscapes. I love spending hours drawing or painting and losing track of time. My love for photography came in middle school. I fed calves for a dollar a day and saved up enough to buy my first camera, a pink Kodak point and shoot camera that went everywhere with me. I started showing photography and my artwork at the fair, and my passion for art exploded. Suddenly I was seeing everything through the lens of a camera, and often taking those photos and using them for drawings or paintings. I spent all my time taking pictures of everything around the farm, and in high school I bought my first DSLR camera, and photographing people became an adventure for me. My photos were used in the yearbook, and sharing my work on facebook became something I loved doing. Today, my main photography focus is farm photography, and photographing family and friends. I take my farm photography and create calendars, and have now been selling calendars, coasters, and home decor for five years.

Art is the biggest way I'm able to express myself, and I feel the most at peace going out for a drive and photographing whatever catches my eye, having my camera with me at the farm, or being in my studio for hours watching a painting or drawing slowly come more to life. I think most people who knew me, this was the most obvious hat I was going to put on. When I was graduating high school, I knew creating art was something I needed to continue. I wasn't entirely sure what specific career I would have or how I would make a living, but God brought me back to the farm and opened my eyes to how I could do both. If ten year old Livi could see how she lives each day now, I know she'd be geeking out! I'm quite literally living my childhood dreams, AND married my childhood crush!

The Hat I Want to Wear

Truthfully, my heart is so full with the hats I've been blessed with, but there is a hat I want to put on that sometimes I wonder if or when I'll be able to. It's a hat I would love to wear but haven't been able to put on fully. This hat has technically been on before, but each time it's felt like it's blown off in the wind. Even if it's only been for a little while, and I'll only ever get to wear the hat for a short time, it's been such an honor. There are a few angels in heaven that have given me the honor of wearing that hat. When I'm called home, bury me in something comfortable and double knot my shoes, because I have a few overdue playdates.

I would love to be a mother.

I would love to... see two pink lines, tell my husband we're expecting, share the news with our family, have a baby bump, experience a full term pregnancy, have one boy name and one girl name picked out, have a baby shower, see my husband become a father... the list is endless.

After losing my first baby to an ectopic pregnancy, I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to wear that hat again. It was too painful and scary to think about wanting to wear that hat again, but when Marcus came into my life, I felt the biggest desire to have that hat. I knew I wanted to face any fear I had about pregnancy and motherhood with him by my side. As a kid I always wanted a big family. I had the privilege of growing up with a huge extended family, and it's something I've always dreamed of having. Plus, if you're going to farm you might as well have a lot of kids for free labor, right?

I just recently got to wear the birthday hat. It was my golden birthday, and turning 30 all in one. Honestly, I've been really excited for this birthday for a long time. I've always loved birthdays and getting to celebrate people I love, and I've been waiting 30 years for this golden birthday! I found myself not as excited for this day like I use to be. Last year on my birthday I was hoping to be pregnant, and hoped I would be pregnant or already with a baby by this golden birthday. It has been hard to accept the fact each month it continues to not happen. I never thought I would be 30 and have no children.

Now, before I hear another "you're still so young" or "you have plenty of time" please take a moment to remember it's still just as painful even if both those statements are true. Yes, both of those notions have truth to them, but I think everyone has felt this way about a certain age in their life, and when we tell people things like that we only try to negate their feelings and aren't really looking at what's being said.

The holidays felt heavy at times for us, and we have had a challenging beginning of spring. We unexpectedly lost one of our cats, and that loss really hurt my heart. Last fall, we got two cats, Tippy and Slice. They lived outside and in our garage, and followed me everywhere. Honestly they are so much fun to have in our lives! We experienced an early miscarriage in October, and getting the two cats helped heal a spot in my heart yearning for my own babies. They are my "babies" while we continue to wait for a baby. Losing Slice felt like losing another baby. I'm not greeted by him when I come out the door, and it's hard to see his brother alone now. We buried Slice at our home, and we'll be planting a lilac bush over his grave. His lilac bush will be the view out of my kitchen window, and even though I will miss him every day, I'll be able to look out the window and remember the love I gave him and he gave me.

It has been challenging every month to feel the waves of hope and heartbreak feel like a repeated cycle I can't break, and feel like that prayer goes answered. It's painful to let go of our will, for His will. It's hard to follow God's plan for our lives when it doesn't lineup with what we want, when we want. It's also hard when everyone around you is experiencing the one thing you're praying for. I'm not exaggerating when I say everyone around me is either expecting or has children. It is a blessing to have so many moms influencing my life, and to see friends have a prayer answered. It's okay to be excited and happy for them, and to feel sad it hasn't happened for you. Both things can exist at the same time, but it's important to not allow the pain to control your thoughts and actions. You will make yourself miserable if you continue looking at how God has answered everybody else's prayers at a different pace than yours. Comparison is the thief of joy.

It's hard to let go of the plans you'd like to happen, and the timeline we create for our lives. Let me elaborate that... it's hard to accept that right now isn't my time to be pregnant or a mother. It's hard to accept that I may have to wait a few more months, or a few more years to feel that prayer answered. I also have to accept that God may not answer this prayer in the way I want. It's hard to navigate the pain of trying to trust in God's timing, but you feel like he's forgotten about you. Which of course isn't the truth. God hasn't forgotten me, or you. If he took the time to put a light in a bug's butt, imagine his love and care for us! I have had to train my heart and my mind to solely rely on God's truth. My feelings are real, but they aren't the truth and they aren't final. Only God's word is the truth and is final. He has never failed me, and he has never made a mistake.

Sometimes the hardest part of going through grief, heartbreak, or loss is that our emotions are on overdrive and we feel broken. God doesn't use what he hasn't broken. But why the breaking? Because pride can't carry destiny. When God breaks you, he's removing everything that would make you say "I did this myself."

That's when it becomes important to remain faithful even when all we feel is uncertainty. This season of my life right now, there are times that I wish I could hit the skip button. But it's often the seasons we want to skip that become the soil God uses to grow us. He will put you in a season where nothing works, so you remember the one who does. I've experienced and seen how Jesus has been sweetest to me in the hardest of places. I don't think we really grasp the sweetness of Christ, until we go through difficulty and suffering. Because it's through those struggles that we come to know where we are lacking and where our faith needs refinement. When we're in that place, we see so clearly what we need. Christ. Our fear and anxiety will expose exactly where we aren't trusting Him. Both faith and fear demand you to believe in something you can't see. I don't know about you, but I've tried both, and one has had significantly better outcomes!

The most important thing I've had to remember and realign my heart and mind with, is that God's timing is always greater than anything I plan or want.

We aren't meant to know the plans He has for us, because if we saw how we were going to get there we wouldn't follow His path. Which is exactly where faith must take place. He knows exactly what you need when you need it. It's okay to be sad and to feel the pain of life. Faith allows us to endure those painful times and not be consumed by it all. If this blog helps anyone else during a struggling season, I have accomplished my goal. I've always been a verbal processor. Whether it's in conversation or through written word, it allows me to navigate my thoughts and feelings properly. To anyone in a similar season, I know how isolating it can be. There is a certain someone out there that does want you to believe you're alone, and there's no hope. Don't believe it for a second, because I'm also living proof you're not alone. And to all the mothers out there that experienced a similar season and are now living with their babies, their testimonies speak to that truth. Mother's Day is approaching, and to be honest it's a day I kind of dread. It's a full day of celebrating the one thing I'm praying for. It's painful, but we can still find joy in our current season, even when it's not where we wish we were. I often remind myself I used to pray for things I'm living in every day. While I'm praying we can become parents, I'm soaking in our moments now, because I used to pray for my husband too. You're still allowed to hope, even if it hurts. You're still allowed to cry when it doesn't happen. You aren't a failure, and you aren't alone. I don't have all the answers, but I know the one who does.

Until then, I'll be caring for the cats and cows.

with love,

Livi